Forget standing when women enter the room or calling all men
‘sir’- that’s behaviour from a forgotten time.
But what are the modern manners every child should have?
The past century, particularly since WWII, has seen Western
society move away from the highly stratified and rule-ridden days of the
past. Rules of etiquette which
previously defined social status were largely abandoned and are now often
regarded as unnecessary, old-fashioned or even snobbish. We have increasingly embraced the notion of
the free-thinking individual, unfettered by rules. We emphasise the importance of good
self-esteem and encourage children to express themselves freely. We try to be open-minded and non-judgemental
about different cultures and backgrounds.
We mostly live in crowded urban environments. Adults push in front of you to get on the
bus, shout loudly into their mobile phones and act like it is a sign of
weakness to let you into merging traffic.
In going through my files, I recently found a newspaper interview I had given to the West Australian in which I commented that “I see manners as the glue that helps us
interact with respect and consideration with everyone with whom we come into
contact. A lot of people ask me why manners
are relevant or important – not just for children but in business and other
areas. I say that to live in a world with other people and to interact with
them appropriately you need guidelines. In every culture, all over the world, one
of the first things children are taught is manners.”
But in this day and age many parents find it difficult to
know which rules children should observe and which are no longer
important. I believe that children should
appreciate both modern and more traditional codes of behaviour so they know how
to interact successfully with people from a range of backgrounds and ages. Parents, as well as grandparents, have a
crucial role to play in teaching children about different social expectations.
As I mentioned in the interview “Children should learn the
difference between the way they might talk to their peers and the way they speak
with their grandparents…they must show consideration for older people. The "oldies" are not wrong and the child should
learn respect for different styles of manners and the different forms of communication
they should use.”
And additionally I mentioned that “Having an understanding
of manners really does give children confidence in many situations. I really believe that social skills should be
taught in schools”.
A quick scan of the internet reveals many articles with
general and specific advice on the subject of manners. Many writers suggest
that rather than thinking of manners as a series of black and white rules,
they should be considered a “philosophy of respect”. Experts concur that the
best way to teach children good manners is by example. Parents who are courteous and respectful of each
other and their children have the best chance of producing offspring who are
also courteous. Parents are also advised
to speak to children ahead of time about the behaviour that is expected in new situations and to
praise good manners in terms of the effect it has on others.
Jonathan Sargeant, assist professor in education at Bond
University in Queensland, said parents had to grasp every opportunity to teach
manners. He suggested that the manners children benefited from being taught included
listening skills, an ability to wait, winning and losing skills and respecting
personal space.
I suggested in the article that saying please and thank you
were “totally non-negotiable”. I also
commented that I felt table manners were also very important, mentioning that “I
have young people who don’t know what to do with cutlery in a restaurant. It is very damaging for their confidence.” I
firmly believe that parents should teach table manners by sitting down with
their children, showing them not only how to hold a knife and fork but how to
make conversation at the table.
Dr Sargeant commented
that parents should be able to work with
the children’s own natural inclinations.
He said “My own research on young children has shown that kids are already
quite aware and concerned about those around them. More than we tend to think. If adults understand this, it provides
something great to build on.”
My final point in the interview was that the last thing good
manners should be was artificial. If the
whole point was to make people feel comfortable then if children are
pretentious about their manners, it is as damaging as having no manners at all.
And so my Essential Modern Manners for Children and Young
Adults…and Everyone Actually…
Remember the Magic Words: please, thank you and excuse me.
Be Polite on the Telephone
Eat Nicely at the Table
Greet People Properly
Wait your Turn and Don’t Interrupt
Respect your Elders
Patience is a Virtue
Clean up after Yourself
Show Sportsmanship
And last but not least….Respect Differences
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